Let’s get it straight from the start- I know how to prepare for one, and, generally, what to say. But it always bugs me that when they ask me to describe my skills I can’t be completely honest.
I understand that meeting targets and working well within a team, and good customer service are important to a potential employer, and these are all things I can do. But when I get asked about my skills, essentially I have to lie.
Because my real skills would totally make the interviewers simultaneously poop, wizz and cry with joy.
This is a normal interview situation:
There I am, at the end of the table in a cavernous, emotion-destroying room filled with people just waiting to judge me; trying to witness my Awesomeness© free of charge.
Just once I want to walk into an interview room and hear these words:
“I’m afraid that due to new recruitment policies, we’ve had to change our interview format. Instead of questions based on your response to selection criteria, your interview will now be based around your knowledge of the‘90s Grunge scene and its influence on the Nu-Metal era; Ninjas and Ninja-related topics, such as Seppukku, katanas, invisibility, nocturnal habitats and beheading; your technique for defeating Dr. Robotnik at the end of Sonic the Hedgehog 2; and at the end of the questioning you will be given 3 mins to make a statement of claims on this position using only a freestyle guitar solo.”
Seriously - this is the REAL reason you should employ people- Cos they have SKILLZ (the z is important; it implies skills that really matter, such as pulling sweet Superman-air off a jump over a sea of fire and not merely your knowledge of Excel macros. Or mail merge.).
I would literally be Prime Minister of the Solar System by now if I was only ONCE hired on the basis that I know TONS about ninja weapons, I can ollie like 3 steps in one go and that I could totally beat you at Street Fighter 2 (as long as I use Ken).
Oh yeah, and by the way, I reckon Ken was over at my place this morning, Shoryuken-ing the SHIT out of my car, cos it overheated just as I got in to drive to a job interview (the reason for this post, like, DUH). So here i was running to catch the train in my sweet pimped out job-getting-suit, sweating like a captive drop-bear in a 44-gallon drum, and when I get to the station, the bloody Metro staff are DISMANTLING the freakin' ticket machine, so I was forced to use out-of-date food stamps from WW2, which, let me tell you, brought back memories of the trenches.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so I get on the train finally and becuase I've been running I'm like, sheened with sweat and so I prepared for my interview by thinking stabby-knife thoughts at my car, thinking how I was going to have to get my suit dry cleaned AGAIN and completely emptied my mind of anything of any relevance to the task ahead.
Needless to say, that because I live in some sort of luck-vaccuum, actually worked in my favour. Now, if I'd actually had time to read my notes I would have probably just walked straight into the pub and woken up on a flatbed train carriage steaming out accross the Nullabor. As it is, I think I did OK. I credit the Awesomeness©.
Anyway, come back for more later ya Zealots. I've got a whole
Peace OUT!
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